... someone you thought you liked reveals their true character to you?  I mean, she's always been who she is, and I knew that, but in the past she needed me, which I suppose gave me more compassion than I have at this very moment.  Her little (perfect) family is back intact, after a near disastrous summer last year.  And now she's back to being the Me Monster Brian Regan discusses at length.

 (See below)

Again, she's always been a Me Monster, but when she was hurting, she was more compassionate towards others.  Since her incredible - truly God-blessed - reconciliation, she is back to her world and nothing else matters. 

Here's my revelation, in a nutshell.  Several times, over the last few days, we've emailed back and forth.  Anyone who knows me knows this is the best way to "talk" to me.  Hers begin with seemingly benign - and now I realize unheartfelt - queries into my day, week, weekend, followed by some great find, treasure, or feat of her family.  Her daughter is behind in school, so they couldn't make church; he husband is out of town, so her daughter's A in algebra could only be attributed to her stellar tutoring skills.  Her husband has a hernia that needs repairing and they just don't know when they will be able to schedule it, what with football games, etc. And, hey, can you do me a favor and order me some gift certificates, since I can't do it from work?  They are on sale Tuesday only...

For the past week, I have been responding with "Claire has the flu" and "Well, another day out of school for Claire, and Jeff is on vacation, so I'm doing this alone, as best as I can..." and "I'd love to do you a favor, but I'm off Tuesday - I'll try real had to be up in time to get you one of those coveted gift certificates."  Through all of this, there were no inquiries into Claire's health (better, thank you), my stamina for dealing with it alone, or even gratitude for me getting up early to fulfill a promise made.  In the midst of all this, I have my own health concerns - I am having a CT scan and uroscopy (that little camera that maneuvers through your wee hole) to determine the cause of persistent bleeding in my urine (TMI, and I apologize). 

Tonight, we met face to face for our weekly Bible study.  First conversation?  "My husband broke the TV that we use in our home gym and we've discovered we can replace it with a 26" flat screen with built-in blahblahblah..."   When she paused to take a breath, I told her, "I love you, but I hate you for this home gym.  I have to leave home and drive to get to the closest treadmill."  No apology for the subtle reminder that we aren't all as blessed as she.  Just, "I could never work out in public.  I'd lose my determination if I had to leave home."

I told Jeff that maybe God's sense of humor prevails yet again.  He is driving me back to making my husband my best friend, as he should be.  When I mentioned that I was being sort of pursued/stalked by her (she's the one who told me the street-level picture of my house on Google Earth shows my neighbor cutting his grass; she also found a way to check out my abode in person while she was garage sale-ing in my neighborhood.  And then there's her reading of my reviews and checking my lists on paperbackswap.com.), Jeff pointed out a painful truth.  Painful because I always choke on the words, "You're right" when I say them to him, but heart-hurting when he said, "She wants to be your friend because you have nothing she is jealous of."  BAM right between the eyes. Her house and car are nicer; her marriage seems more secure; her husband is handy at home renovations (mine knows how to call someone for home repair); her job pays much more money; and I wear a name badge and a uniform to work for no money at all.  My diet is going slower than hers did (bless her, she is giving me the clothes that are too big for her), and one of my kids is learning disabled.  There are so many things she can be so proud of that I don't have.

I used to be intimidated a little by her knowledge of the Bible.  Now, I am content to know that daily, things are being etched into my heart.  I want to live in obedience.  I love to serve when and where I can.  I want to be equipped to serve with confidence.  This class we're taking requires a project as part of the pass/fail system.  She is thinking of not doing it because she thinks that to receive the certificate will put her name in a serving database.  Isn't that the point?

Anyway, my heart was heavy on the drive home.  But the more I thought, the more I realized that this really may be part of God's plan to bring my family back in line.  He has pulled my "best friend" here away from me by revealing her as she is.  My only other confidante is Jeff.  With our 20th anniversary fast approaching, this might be the best gift I've received since I have received Christ in my heart.

I am, again, tucking away something from Sam, to mull over later.  His thoughts are hard to find once the daily deal is over.

I stand in amazement at how the fortress I've built was so deceivingly fragile. If God indeed is jealous for my attention, I can only assume he prefers me out in the wide open rather than shielded by the ramparts of my self made city. Maybe ears hear better that way. But it sure is scarier out there.

Indeed, it is very scary out there, but He wants us to step out of our comfort zones.  There are so many lost outside our very own walls that we cannot reach them until we tear down our fortresses and stand in the open.  When our walls are torn down, we are truly open to the Spirit, broken like the bricks and mortar that held us captive (even though by our own hands we were shackled).  When we stand in the barren desert, we have no distractions to our attention.  Our focus - and all our needs - is centered on God.

Which leads me curiously staring at those who have the picture perfect wife with their brightly smiling children; with their brand new cars and enviable homes, heaps of affluence and unbelievably irresistible influence; those with wellsprings of inexhaustible talent, unbridled genius, unrivaled renown; those who have created their world as they dreamed it as children, and those who built their dreams and are blissfully living every day of it...

But are they really happy? I know, it's cliche to ask, but what is going on behind the facade of the Stepford wife and smiling children?  Does the brand new car really do anything more than our cars do -  get us to and from our jobs? (It reminds me of "Toy Story" when Woody tells Buzz - "That's not flying.  That's falling with style.") Is there a price to pay for unbridled genius and inexhaustible talent?  Is this truly the life they dreamed of?  Is there real bliss in such a life, or do they constantly hunger for more, more, more? 

... I am confounded by you, because I don't know if you have what you have because of God's favor, or if it's because you ignore His jealous calls.

I am jealous of you because regardless of how you achieved your dreams, you have what I want but do not have.

I have battled envy for as long as I have battled idolatry and adultery (not literal adultery but serious lusting in my heart for someone not my husband).  Why do all of my friends have bigger, better, faster toys than I do?  Their houses are bigger (and cleaner).  They attend our church.  They had these things before they were saved - some of them - and I wonder why they are so much more blessed than I.

Oh, this unbelievably painful deconstruction of the ruins that were once my fortresses...

Then I remember - I am blessed beyond words.  I have a home - it may not be the mansion on the hill, but it provides considerable comfort when compared to living in a corrugated box under a bridge.  I have two beautiful children who are healthy and have great senses of humor.  I have a church family that loves me unconditionally, as God commanded them to.  And I have a God who is infinite in His love, His grace and His mercy.  Materialism falls away in light of such incredible love.  And I am freed from yet another of the things that held me, smothered me, burdened me, and consumed me with hatred and envy.  My heart has room for better things now.

I do not envy.  Nor do I just tolerate that which I don't have.  Instead, I enjoy their hospitality and look to their friendship and love.  I know, without a single doubt, that these same "overly-blessed" friends would be by my side in an instant if I were in need.  I've seen them do it for others - they give as they have been blessed.

Sam, God bless you for reminding me of things I have let take over again and again.  You are a vessel, and He pours out through you every time you post.  For that, I am very grateful.